[No audio blog today. Many apologies.]
I have no idea whether you like these Circus updates or not but I gotta be honest, as far as I’m concerned they’re a blast. They are so much fun to write that I literally can’t help myself. They make me smile out loud. And that’s not easy.
Anyway, these circus people seem to be very willing targets, so I’m not responsible. I’m still amazed and embarrassed at how much new material keeps flowing downhill from right-wing kooks and religious snake-handlers. I can’t even begin to capture it all.
They remind me of the biblical story of Nebuchadnezzar where unbridled pride and narcissism are said to have driven him mad. These circus performers suffer from a form of self-induced madness too: some of it simple knuckle-headedness, some of it bare greed, some of it truly evil.
I’m sure these spiritual grifters would happily point at my fun-having as dark and sinister too. They likely believe I have a haughty spirit (I’d never lower myself to that) or a sinful nature (guilty) or the number one accusation they make against people who criticize them – a bad case of demon possession.
Yeah, I know, some of you are thinking, ‘Touch not God’s anointed’ (whatever that means) but I’m so confident they are not God’s anointed that, creepy as it sounds, I’m going to continue touching them.
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Speaking of demons and creepiness, let’s jump right into the deep end with this ’10’ on the creep-o-meter from Kenneth Copeland. He was surprised not too long ago by Inside Edition‘s Lisa Guerrero. My thoughts in purple.
LG: ‘Why don’t you fly commercial?’
KC: ‘You can’t manage that today, in this dope-filled world, get in a long tube with a bunch of demons.’ (I’ll admit some flights are from hell but not too sure everyone is a demon. Well, there was that one kid…)
LG: ‘Do you think people who fly commercial are demons?’
KC: ‘No I do not and don’t you ever say I did!’ (but you did say it). ‘Will you give me a chance to talk, sweetheart?’ (sweetheart?). ‘I will explain it to you’ (impossible). ‘But it’s a biblical thing, it’s a spiritual thing’ (no it’s not & no it’s not). ‘It doesn’t have anything to do with people’ (yes it does). ‘People? I love people’ (that’s not ringing true). ‘Jesus loves people’ (okay, you got me there). ‘But people get pushed in alcohol’ (yes, because they’re on a plane with you). ‘Do you think that’s a good place for a preacher to be and prepare to go preach to a lot of people … ?‘ (Well Kenny, probably the best place to speak to people is, you know … with them.)
Man. I can see why any self-respecting tube full of demons would be happy for this guy to fly on a separate plane … er, tube.
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So as circus acts go, Lance Wallnau is a pro. This guy has a magic act – he can make money disappear out of people’s bank accounts without them even complaining! (Note: innocent, trusting people love the circus the most.)
Recently he appeared on the highly credible (!?!) Jim Bakker Show to proclaim that President Trump is some sort of Cyrus the Great. Seems the Lord told this godly entrepreneur to make a coin that people could use as a touch point to pray for Donald Trump’s re-election in 2020. (Note: you’ll notice that the President is very popular in the Circus world. Marketing gold.)
Presumably God also told Lance to charge $45 for a Cyrus Trump Coin and $450 for the highly desirable, much sought after 13 Cyrus Trump Bundle. This bundle consists of 13 coins (wondering why 13 but don’t want to ask), 13 Cyrus Trump booklets (mostly pictures with their lawyers, I assume) and 13 evening services with Dr. Wallnau (yep, creep alert!).
But what do I know? I had to look up King Cyrus to see why he is such a big deal.
Seems Cyrus was an ancient Persian king who led his armies into a number of battles but was known for his kindness and openness to the cultures of the countries he conquered. I personally don’t see the comparison: You wouldn’t find Trump at the front of any army and he sure wouldn’t display any kindness to other cultures.
Honestly, take a look at the coin below – which one would you want leading the free world?
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I hesitate to even mention his name again but one of the most infamous performers of all is Jim Bakker who never fails to pull in the ripest acts for his bizarro television circus. As tornadoes and flooding made their way across the U.S. through the end of May he declared the storms were from Satan who was expressing his satanic frustration.
Why was Satan frustrated, you ask? Because God was happy.
And why was God happy, you ask? Because some states are bringing in new, anti-abortion legislation.
And why were states bringing in anti-abortion legislation? Because it makes God happy.
What’s especially surprising to me is that U.S. state legislators are responsible for God’s happiness! And here I thought his happiness came from binge watching Netflix like everyone else.
I only mention this because it was through Bakker that I became aware of Kat Kerr who is a bad speller (even I can spell cat) as well as the leader of an army of Weather Warriors who, you know … control the weather. Thank goodness they’re on our side.
Kat Kerr has encouraged her followers to control the flood waters in the mid-west by stomping on the ground and praying to God. Yep… stomping. Then there’s the quote the Lord gave her: ‘If you stomp on the ground the flooding will go down’. Clever.
Naturally some have questioned the legitimacy of this stomping strategy but she makes a good solid point when she says, ‘If you’re laughing, you’re laughing at God himself.’
So if there’s a bad storm and you see somebody out stomping on the ground in the pouring rain while volunteers are desperately sandbagging to save people’s homes … that’s a Weather Watcher who needs thanking!
I guess she should know a lot about God since, by her own admission she has been to heaven and back a number of times. Yeah, she says she met Elijah and some others who are already there. Her words, not mine.
That creep-o-meter just red-lined.
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Then there’s the Bible Baptist Church of Selah who are taking registrations for children’s summer VBS (Vacation Bible School). The theme? Is it Jesus Loves Me? Nope. The Ten Commandments? Nope. Heroes of the Bible? Nope.
The theme for the kids this year is ‘I Heart America!’ That’s right! And, as if that’s not enough, there is also – get ready for it – a contest between boys and girls to see who brings the most pennies! (Go boys!) Actually kids, it’s a privilege to bring ALL your pennies so you can learn about giving the church your very last cent! That’s right! What good life lessons!
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Before I get to the last few couple of big name circus acts here’s a quick collection of some other sideshows I couldn’t ignore.
> Right wing pastor E.W. Jackson is absolutely serious that former President Obama needs a good ole exorcism because he spoke to a ‘homosexual group’. Those gays and their groups … maybe they’ll go away if people stop talking to them.
> The U.S. Senate recently passed a bill making lynching a crime. Makes sense in a civilized society, right? But Liberty Counsel, an evangelical group based in Florida, wants to remove sexual orientation from the protected list. Call them sentimental old fools but all they ask is to be able to hang homosexuals like their forefathers did.
Their chairman, Matt Staver had this helpful comment: ‘The old saying is once that camel gets the nose in the tent, you can’t stop them from coming the rest of the way in.’ Not sure what that has to do with hanging homosexuals but maybe he should focus on Florida’s nasty camel infestation.
> Rick Wiles has carved out a career talking about the sunny topic of the end of time (he’s not alone, of course) but he also feels welcome to wander into other fun subjects, like abortion. For right wingers the good news is that sinful people who do bad things will ultimately be punished forever in hell and that seems to give them a case of the feel goods.
Wiles gets all theological by describing how hell will work (with zero evidence): ‘I believe that abortionists and the supporters of abortion—I believe that their punishment in the lake of fire will be to be aborted continuously by demons. Continuous, perpetual, eternal abortion.’
Yikes. I wonder how long hell will last? Can anyone answer that? Anybody at all? Mr. Wiles?
‘This goes on for billions of years, hundreds of billions of years, zillions of years and it never stops. You will be aborted continuously forever.’
Oh, okay – so about as long as one of your sermons seems to last. Got it.
> The My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, who believes that God put Trump into power, has also profited greatly from tax changes benefitting the super-rich. It must have also been God’s will to have My Pillow Guy lay off those 150 workers a year after laying off the previous 140 workers. My Pillow Guy needs the cash to expand. Praise God.
I hope My Pillow Guy is able to sleep at night.
> So the owners of the ‘Ark Encounter’, a life size replica of Noah’s ark are suing their insurance carriers for not covering damages after flooding in 2017 and 2018. To be fair, this has to do with damage to the access roads to the site and not the actual ark. And anyway, this ark wasn’t even built to float. I mean, why would a boat built to show how the original one actually worked – actually work?
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When the President made an impromptu visit to a Virginia church the pastor took a moment to publicly pray with and for him. It was actually a nice moment – the President was humble and the prayer was genuine.
Because of the various opinions about Trump in his congregation, pastor David Platt took a later moment to explain to them why he felt the prayer was appropriate.
The very fact that Platt felt the need to explain prompted Jerry Falwell Jr, a religious right-wing non-pastor, to tweet that ‘pastors like David Platt need to “grow a pair.”’ It was later deleted.
It would be so interesting to ask Jerry a few questions about why he needed to say that. Well, wouldn’t it?
‘Mr Falwell, can I ask a question about growing a pair? I’m wondering what that means and how does one go about doing it?’
JF: ‘Just act like me, that’s all. First, uncross your legs and sit like a man – knackers need wide open spaces. Second, start talking loudly over everybody else and don’t ever, ever listen. Third, say everything that comes into your brain no matter how stupid it is. Most important of all, you’ll need to carry a gun in the front waistband of your pants but that’s only common sense. Piece of advice: don’t forget to use the safety or you might have to grow another pair. Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it.’
‘Well, I’m still not sure why we’re talking about this but in any case, I wonder if you have anything to say about Mr. Trump?’
JF: ‘The President? Yes, definitely nuts.’
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Remember Paula White (Cain), the kinda-sorta-like-a-pastor to President Trump? She spoke at the recent National Day of Prayer event at the White House. (United States has a whole day, Canada has a breakfast – it’s all about budgets.)
She ‘declares’ lots of things so you know they are going to happen for sure – it’s the equivalent of ‘abra-cadabra’ only in Circus-ese. She declared the place to be ‘holy ground’ and pounded out a fiery prayer with all the christian slang and bad exegesis she could muster. And I quote:
‘Now we lift up our president. You declared in Jeremiah 1:5 that before he was ever formed in his mother’s womb, that you had set him apart and you had ordained him … We are not wrestling against flesh and blood but against principalities, wickedness and darkness, so we declare every demonic network to be scattered right now. We declare right now that there is a hedge of protection over our president, first lady, every assignment, the purpose they carry and the mantle.’
So having pretty much covered everything she then closed with that classic ending to any public Circus prayer, ‘And everybody said, Amen.’
Paula White checklist for the day:
- Get out of Florida – check;
- Quote the Bible – check;
- Battle demons – check;
- Use the word ‘declare’ to make things come true – check;
- Value added ‘hedge of protection’ – check
- Stroke President’s ego – double check.
- Confirm dinner plans – in process.
Enthusiastic applause. Cue the worship team.
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Then a few weeks ago came the news that there are now officially more people in America with no religion than there are evangelicals and Catholics put together.
I wonder how that happened with so many good christian acts everywhere we look?
What a circusy mystery.