So I’m writing this blog on the first day of a brave new era of unprecedented freedom in Canada.

We have already gotten some of the other big freedoms out of the way. Just to catch you up on the major ones: Canada is independent of Britain, slavery is abolished, we have access to health care, women are entitled to equal pay, we can vote for the least-worst political party of our choice, anyone can have as many credit cards as they want, we all have easy access to junk food, and now, finally, after years of titanic struggle …drum roll… Canada is the second country in the world to make marijuana legal!

This will be very beneficial for me personally because I had no reason to use it before and no idea even how to buy it. Now, if I ever decide to begin using I can go to a box store instead of making a deal in a dark club or alley or out in the open like all the cool people used to do.

Not sure why I would buy pot though – I’m pretty happy the way I am and I don’t need it medicinally because I haven’t even exhausted the uses for ibuprofen yet. And I can’t smoke it in public and I don’t want to smell up my house. And I’m cheap. But I’m free to use it and that’s all that matters!

So, with all this talk of making things legal, I think I would feel a lot better if we could balance the scales and work on making some other things illegal. Work with me here…

As healthy when smoked as any cured meat.

I think we need a law compelling the members of the House of Commons to be quiet while opposition members are speaking. They shout and insult each other and generally act the very way that I taught my children not to. I have no interest in hearing anything the Prime Minister or other members have to say but I reserve the right to ignore them in a quiet, dignified manner.

Let’s have Parliament pass a ‘shut up’ law for themselves. Without debate.

Have you ever sat forever waiting for the car ahead of you to make a left turn in heavy traffic? Let’s ban ALL left turning and require everyone to only turn right. For anyone living in an urban area you will know that this should be illegal and that simply making three unselfish right turns will accomplish the same thing.

Let’s make left-turners a thing of the past.

How about a specific law that would provide an important public service? Let’s make it illegal to help a drunk person out of an aquarium tank after they choose to swim with sharks in the nude.

Let’s pass an anti-egress law and give the sharks a chance to take any bait dangled in front of them.

How about those inflatable, plastic lawn decorations that pop up (literally) at Halloween and Christmas? You know, those cheesy, multi-coloured, half-inflated plastic globules that look like a dollar store exploded on the lawn? (Picture below is an example a few houses from us.)

Let’s make creepy inflatable lawn graffiti illegal.

Let’s make tacky decorating a thing of the past.


And while we’re at it, how about dollar stores? Yeah, I know, I know – you’re annoyed that I would speak against that sacred cow (actually sacred cows are $2). Where else could you go to appease your cheapness by standing in line to buy armfuls of toxic, third world, child labour crap? Answer: uh, ever heard of Walmart?

Let’s make dollar stores, and all their relatives illegal.

While we’re at, let’s ban night-shirts for men. I don’t wear one, have never seen one, don’t even know if they actually exist, but it seems like the sort of thing we should have pre-emptive legislation against.

Let’s rise up (…) against nightshirts.

A California student handed out sugar cookies to nine of her classmates, bragging that she had baked them using some of her dead grandmother’s ashes as an ingredient. One of the investigating police officers stated that they will likely not press charges because, ‘What’s the crime?’ Well, I don’t know what the crime is either so let’s make it one.

Can’t believe it’s not already a law but let’s make it illegal to use a dead person’s ashes for food.

Just thought of something else there ought to be a law against. Disco. We can’t allow another decade of glitterballs or Village People or ‘getting down tonight’. We just can’t.

Now is the time to pass a law, while we’re still in a lull.

I think we all know that hair-challenged men who swirl a pile of comb-over strands on their bald spot, should not do that. The comb-over is the yoga pant of bald heads – wearing it just makes people want to look.

So just say ‘illegal’ to Hair-Trumping.

Oh and we should pass a law against the New England Patriots. But that’s just common sense.

And another thing: we need to legislate against those cheesy, romantic, Hallmark-style Christmas movies that are moving in on us as November approaches. They are so sweet that I can feel my teeth starting to ache and …… wait … sorry, excuse me for a minute, my wife just said something from the other room…

(… Sorry my sweet cake, I didn’t quite hear you, can you say that again? Oh yes, that’s right, it is almost time again for romantic TV Christmas movies! No, that’s funny – I hadn’t thought of it until now either. Ha ha! Oh, you betcha I’m excited! Yes, hot chocolate for sure. Okay, I’m just gonna get back to blogging for a while longer. I can’t wait either! See you in a bit…)

Sooo… I think we’ll put the law against cheesy movies on hold for awhile – it’s too late to save this season anyway.

Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty other important legal initiatives to promote in the future for the benefit of – well, me. I think we should consider laws against: lawyers, long lines, feeding seagulls, more than 12″ of snow, loud-talkers, dumplings, being stupid, long wedding receptions and John Bolton moustaches.

And many, many other important things that I’ll bet you’ve never even thought of.