So I’m sitting, minding my own business, scrolling through my phone, waiting for my summer tires to be installed, when this appears in a feed from CBC News:

‘Toronto police are scratching their heads over who left a car dangling from a cable on the Leaside Bridge. Commuters found themselves doing double takes on Wednesday morning as they drove by the empty shell of a blue sedan hanging from the bridge.’

A car intentionally hanging from a bridge seems fairly unusual, if you ask me. Now I realize we are living through a Donald Trump presidency where daily events have numbed our sensitivity to bizarre, but a car dangling by a cable from a bridge still gets my attention.

So I wondered what else might have been newsworthy this week, and because I love worshipping at the altar of negative news, here are some totally unimportant events I dug up from the past few days that are actually lighter than they seem. Kind of fun to have nothing important to say and just take time to tip some bad news idols. So, in no particular order:

There was an admission from officials in Sweden that Swedish meatballs actually come from Turkey. (Those cheap little round things that IKEA ships cheaply all over the world so cheap people can eat cheaply and stay longer in their stores and continue being cheap.) Now I might be wrong but meatballs from turkey is probably better than meatballs from pickled herring. Yeah, that’s a small joke – of course I know they’re not made from any real meat.

On the subject of food, according to Major League Eating (that’s a league?), third ranked competitive eater (that’s a thing?) Matt ‘Megatoad’ Stonie (that’s a name?) ate 125 cupcakes (that’s 12,000 calories?) in 8 minutes, 55.15 seconds. Yes, they had sprinkles. Yes, he later had a nap.

Stephen Hawking finished a major writing project shortly before he passed away. Of course his genius makes his work incomprehensible to the average person so I’ll spare you the difficulty of reading the whole mind-bending thing and interpret it for you in a few simple-to-understand bullets:

  • The Big Bang created the universe which continues to expand infinitely – called eternal inflation.
  • This means that there must be other infinite universes.
  • The term ‘multiverse’ showed up and seemed really interesting and nerdy so I’m putting it here.
  • Blah blah blah.
  • Then there’s some stuff I’m not sure we can believe because I didn’t know what it meant.
  • Then something about no governing laws of physics which seemed kind of important.
  • He’s concerned with our inability to ‘position ourselves’ (although I’m comfortable).
  • He provides math for a space probe to confirm his theories. I can’t confirm or deny the accuracy of his math but it didn’t seem right to me and I had an okay (lower double digit) average in high school math the years before Algebra came along and ruined everything.
  • His work ends with a period.

I hope that helps.

Breaking news: Kanye West is nuts. Not sure why, but he called Donald Trump ‘my brother’ (they don’t even look that much alike) and describes them both as having ‘dragon energy’ – probably because terrible things happen when they open their mouths. He commented to TMZ, ‘When you hear about slavery for 400 years … 400 years? That sounds like a choice.’ Yeah Kanye, slavery is a choice. Wait, now I get the brother thing – in another time and place they would both be plantation owners.

Speaking of news, I just saw the guy for the first time who delivers our weekly community paper to the front step. Ninety-nine percent sales flyers and adds in the guise of a newspaper and elasticed into an unruly roll of newsprint. One time we saw something we wanted in one of the ads. This is an actual picture of this week’s wastage (it’s smaller than usual).

I saw him coming up our driveway and he’s quite a bit older than me so I say to my wife, ‘Oh here comes the paper boy.’ I laugh then say, ‘Poor old guy.’ Well, the weather’s nice and our front office window is open for some fresh air. Sooo… pretty sure the papers will get tossed on the roof from now on.

Because of needed renovations in the official residence of the Prime Minister, ‘Meals are prepared for the Trudeau family at 24 Sussex and delivered to Rideau Cottage by a messenger, according to the Prime Minister’s Office.’ (Sarah Sears/CBC). So, that was the big drama in Canadian politics this week…

Oh, speaking of Trudeau, he has assured the country that pot will be legal by July so everybody just, you know … relax.

Thursday was the National Day of Prayer so I thought I would check in with President Trump’s personal pastor Paula White (see my archive post ‘Circus’ for some info about her Anyway, she shared this prophesy a few minutes ago on Twitter. ‘We are entering a supernatural, God orchestrated, divine appointment and season! Expect the impossible!’ Wow, sounds really great in some unspecific way. Is it any wonder Donald Trump likes her? Plus she’s blond.

Saturday May 5 is World Naked Gardening Day………………….. If you’re planning on participating tomorrow (and you know you want to), first warn your neighbours and second, strictly follow my list of common sense advice for naked gardeners:

  1. Safety first! Wear gloves.
  2. Best practice is to avoid roses.
  3. Remember your tender winter skin: sun block the tops of your ears.
  4. If you want to do some naked-gardening for your neighbours, remember the lessons you learned from last year:
    • let them know you’re coming;
    • don’t try to climb the fence;
    • if they call you a dirty boy don’t assume it’s because you’re working hard;
    • confirm there’s no birthday party in the back yard. If there is, don’t stay.
  5. When group weeding, practice the courtesy of working side by side, not single file.
  6. If your back starts to ache while weeding, bend at the knees or kneel. Never sit.
  7. Be alert: birds and squirrels are your enemy.
  8. Don’t over fertilize.
  9. Best not to fire up the barbecue today.
  10. Avoid picking worms.
  11. If you must sit down, do everybody a favour and label your chair.
  12. Absolutely no hedge trimming.

One thing we learned this week from Rudy Giuliani is that politicians might lie from time to time but it’s usually for the higher, moral purpose of protecting their families from learning about the prostitutes.

Finally there’s this, because I can. It’s is the lid from our butter dish which often rocks like this for hours. Well, that might be an exaggeration but still…